In Space No-one Can Bore You
It took 43 years; 80 Episodes of the original Star Trek television series; 624 episodes of the Next Generation and subsequent television franchises; and ten full length feature films for Star Trek to do what George Lucas and Star Wars did after just three motion pictures — come up with a prequel.
     As successful as the franchise has been, quite frankly, this installment of Star Trek hardly goes “boldly where no man has gone before.” Perhaps a little more disturbing is the plot which, though engaging, is somewhat lacking in plausibility. The best line in the film came from the mouth of Mr Spok, though it was ripped off from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes.
     It goes: “If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.” And who am I to say that the plot of this film is truly impossible?
     Set in the 24th Century — Earth has finally emerged from the global financial crisis, global warming skeptics were right about Al Gore and the Republicans have finally recaptured the White House (though General Motors has yet to post a quarterly profit).
     The Federation has announced that Romulus is developing WMDs which, if they existed, would not have the range to reach any Federation planets, yet still pose a threat to The Federation’s way of life. After producing some dodgy intelligence reports, and some stymied debate within the eternally impotent, and endemically corrupt, United Planets, it’s decided to send an armada of Federation Star Ships to attack Romulus. Their mission? To overthrow (Romulan dictator) Nero, find and destroy his regime’s WMDs... then make a great big “Mission Accomplished” banner and…. and… well um… nobody in power is quite sure what to do next, but they’ll work it out sooner or later.
     Nero is a law unto himself, who two decades earlier, resisted an all-out attack from Star Fleet Captain George Kirk (snr). Now his son James T. Kirk is at the helm and it’s time for some “good ol’ Texas Payback”. That’s right. “Nobody makes daddy look stupid and gets away with it!”
     The story begins with Kirk senior’s bold, and bloodied, losing battle with Nero whilst at the helm of the USS (can’t remember its name). Kirk pilots the un-named star ship as it fatally crashes into Nero’s considerably larger craft, while his wife is simultaneously giving birth to their son in a ‘circle of life’ type scenario best left where it belongs — in an Elton John song.
     Meantime on the planet Vulcan, viewers are treated to a profound, though paradoxically superficial, vignette on the early life of half-human/half-Vulcan, Mr Spok. It leaves us all wondering: “A vignette that is profound yet superficial, that’s illogical.”
     Winona Ryder — who was pretty good in Autumn in New York, tremendous in Woody Allen’s Celebrity, and inspiring in Girl Interrupted; but best remembered for starring in a three minute Saks Fifth Avenue video — plays Spok’s human mother. And does anyone really care who played Spok’s old man? Along with that dress and jewellery, Winona stole my heart a long time ago and I’ll have nobody speak ill of her. She’s only in two scenes; but as long as The Academy is handing out statuettes to expired junkies then there’s hope for my Winona!  
     We flash forward to Earth, two and a half decades beyond the film’s opening, and young Jimmy Kirk joins the Star Fleet Academy where he graduates top of his class despite cheating on his final exam. No sooner have the phony exam results been published than its revealed the Romulans are planning an attack on Vulcan.
     Sadly for The Federation most of its troops are bogged down in Kronos where the Klingons have provided safe sanctuary for Ferengi terrorists. And Federation recruitment drives haven’t been going so well as the youth of the 24th Century are slow to buy-in to the idea of joining the armed forces and then travelling to another galaxy most humans couldn’t locate (and if they could would never even contemplate visiting) only to die at the hands of the aliens who don’t care for the democracy that The Federation has travelled so far to give them.
     The short-end of it is that young Kirk, Spok, Bones, Ohura, Chekov and Sulu all need to get notes from their parents to say they can go away on Space Camp. They’ve all been assigned the USS Free Enterprise, which, shortly before take-off is re-named after it was revealed Star Fleet lost its entire employee pension plan in a giant Ponzi scheme. So they drop the “Free” and Enterprise heads off to the far reaches of the galaxy with an armada of Star Ships.
     The Vulcan distress call winds up being a Romulan ambush and every starship in the armada is blown to oblivion. Their crews? Dead. Every single crew member gone for ever. Thousands of young men and women, who’d travelled to another world so that they could preserve our way of life, cut down in their primes. And not so much as a frame of footage of their flag draped coffins returning to Earth!
     Remarkably the crew of the Enterprise arrives so late that the ambush is over and Romulans are at Friday prayers. Then things get interesting.
     Enterprise’s Captain, Christopher Pike inexplicably surrenders to the Romulans and the kids take over the ship. Spok convinces everybody that for him not to assume command would be illogical, so Winona Ryder’s pointy-eared progeny takes the helm. Chekov teaches Ohura how to play chess; and Sulu is bewildered and befuddled beyond belief that, after three and a half centuries Star Fleet has resurrected its “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. Enter James T. Kirk.
Kirk begins a cross examination of Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu that suggests he one day might pursue a career as a litigator — and be a great one at that. Kirk agrees one man can love another… but, if he’s in the military, not make love to another. He asks. Sulu doesn’t tell.
     The logic escapes Spok who detains Kirk, places him in an escape pod which is launched towards a non-descript planet (which resembles Northern Afghanistan in the winter time). The planet is home to a Federation outpost and to “Future” Mr Spok, played by Leonard Nemoy. Nemoy (Trekkies will all know) played Spok in the original 1966 TV series. Apart from two seasons of Mission Impossible, Nemoy has been unable to shake the Spok persona — so it was pretty easy to get him back on set, where he probably was forced to accept scale.
     Back to The Future Spok… Spok explains to Kirk that he is Spok — 120 years later than the Spok who just marooned him on the planet. And that he himself had been marooned on the planet after a space age fatwa is placed on him by the Romulans for a allowing their planet to disappear into a black hole.
     But Future Spok fails to explain what the hell he’s doing living in the past?
     It would be like me getting Future Reubenstein to review present movies? I’ve got plenty of uses for Future Reubenstein; but, since I’ve quit booze, I don’t need to him to tell me what happened yesterday.
     Future Spok tells present Kirk to confront present Spok, and appeal to his logic, which, in the near future, would lead to him stand aside so that Kirk can become Commander Kirk. Confused? So was I.
     In the end… they find Nero and kill him. Roll end credits. And the prequel sequel is no doubt well into pre-production.