Q. Which cops drive Ferraris?    A. Corrupt ones.
 I am the first to admit my expectations going in to Miami Vice were anything but grand. However, one performance was exceptional, even if Colin Farrell spent half this film jumping all over her. Obviously I’d much rather see the drunk Irishman out and Lucy Liu in his place gently caressing an even more stimulating, exhilarating and erotic performance out of the real star of this picture.
    Stylish, sexy, exotic, a look of anticipation enough to drive any man crazy; and 0 to 100 in a shade over 4 seconds. The Ferrari F430 Spider was truly incredible. A 4.3 liter dual overhead cam 32 valve, mid-mounted, V8 engine ramming out the best part of 490 horsepower at 8,500 rpms. Wow!
   The F430 has so much power, launching can be difficult. You have to use CST to get a strong launch, but traction is an issue, so it comes down to flooring it for the hard launch, then backing off to regain traction, then rolling back in to get the best speed (without losing traction again).
    And the F430 is smoothe. Jamie Foxx could easily do the quarter mile in 12 seconds flat and Colin wouldn’t spill a drop of his bourbon and coke.
    This car is incredibly nimble, especially for a 3,500-pound convertible. Steering is spot-on and roll-control is perfect. The six speed F1 paddle shift transmission is horny — even though anyone rich enough to afford such a car is generally too stupid to operate a paddle shift.
    When you’re a wealthy man about town you (or your money) attract many beautiful young things willing to let you give them an absolute pounding . . . and then they’ll beg for more. But such dalliances aren’t without risk, so don’t forget your rubbers. It’s great to see a Hollywood blockbuster broaching this topic so tastefully. 
    Q. What’s black and nineteen inches? A. The Pirelli Pzero, one of the best high-performance multi-compound tires to grace the silver screen. Up front the F430 is guided by Pzero P235/35ZR19s, while the power plant delivers its massive torque to the slightly wider P235/85ZR19s on the rear.
    Like I said: what a performance. Miami Vice isn’t really a motion picture it’s just a television commercial with high production values.
    The plot of this commercial: Columbian drug runners shipping their product to the US via Miami. What an ingenious plot . . . bet those guys at Al Qaeda could never come up with anything that original.
   I must, sheepishly, concede that Miami Vice did avoid a couple of hitherto mandatory but otherwise boorish inclusions in such films.
    First, there were no opening credits. For this I extend my warmest compliments to Michael Mann and Anthony Yerkovich for conceding that moviegoers neither care nor know who either of you is . . . let’s keep it that way.
    Second, nobody in this film actually took any drugs other than alcohol. Not so much as a whiff of America’s number one FMCG (“fast moving consumer good” to you non-marketing types), which is cocaine and its many variants. Check the statistics, you’ll find America spends more money on recreational drugs than on bread and milk. So thanks again for avoiding the clichéd portrayal of some drug runner who turns out to be the number one buyer of his own product.
    As for the cast, rumors were rife that Colin Farrell was drunk through most of the film’s production: Can you really blame him?
    What’s with Jamie Foxx and that goatee beard? He looked like he was on his way to audition for the Thelonius Monk biopic. Chinese superstar actress, Li Gong played Farrell’s play thing but had they not blown so much money in pre-production they could probably have afforded Lucy Liu. Then again, the thought of my Lucy with “bourbon breath Colin” is a bit much . . . maybe it’s best they couldn’t afford her. 
    And what about the villains? Hollywood writers and producers can’t come up with new story lines but the wheels of political correctness are forever turning.
    Heaven forbid a Cuban or Hispanic is involved in criminal activity in South Florida. There are no black villains in Florida-based movies because liberal minded Hollywood movie types still feel bad that they were all tricked into voting for George W. Bush in 2000. Besides the District Attorney is always black, as are all the judges, doctors, mayors and anyone with a police rank of captain or higher.  
    We can’t make Muslims the villains otherwise they’ll run off and tell Bin Laden. Nor can we make Jews villains, because they’ll run off and tell Alan Dershowitz. So who’s left? The white supremacists.
    All you need for a start in Hollywood today is get pumped up on steroids and shave your head. “Hey, this guy looks just like a white supremacist neo-Nazi. Let’s get him for that new picture we’re making. Isn’t this just great everybody hates the Nazis!”
    Movie bad guys are just another Hollywood fashion statement. White supremacism . . . it’s the new black.